i am thrashing...

i stole the concept of "thrashing" from Mandy Steward over at messy canvas so i can't take any credit for the verbiage. good ole webster defines thrashing as 'moving in a violent or convulsive way'. that may sound extreme but my body wrenches more than it's able to be still. i've never really been into mediation or anything but i also wouldn't call myself high-strung. the point is that this thrashing, this act of pacing through my mind, vigorously, continually, consistently inconsistent is new to me. though i've decided that it's ok, it's still sorta new. and at times really freaks me out. my community, the core group of people i surround myself with have been through some real muck this year, some of which shows no signs of slowing. my job, career, and daily work have seen a series of changes, none of which have forced me to relocate or change paths alltogether, and yet, I thrash. family members in crisis, family members on death beds, family members not speaking... it's a mess. so i thrash. romans 8 talks about physical wailing, deep crying out to God when words won't cut it. maybe that's where i am finding myself.

if anyone reading this is worried, let me ease your spirits.. i am ok. life isn't all gloom, and to be honest, parts of my life are really, really good. i have an amazing community that loves me, a great job, and am financial 'ok' and yet i am thrashing. this internal struggle with self, with my desires and dreams keep me up more nights than i care to admit. some of this is good as it forces me to finally open the word or sit in silent prayer. these are growth pains, and are necessary to evolve. in any case, there is still pain. there are still days where i feel like giving up. but i don't. i cling to Abba's promise to do immeasurable more than i can ask or imagine. the word imagine strikes a chord in the "creative" in me. the Bible literally commands us to dream, to believe in greater things. so with this new season, new year, new opportunities, new failures, new commitments and new dreams, i choose, even in my thrashiest of days, to believe in hope. that's all i know to do.


-- if you are reading this and find yourself in a similar spot, or maybe your 'thrashing' feels more like the end of your rope, may i take this moment to encourage you. it does get better. beauty does exist. hope is real. please talk to someone. you are worth it. --